R. E. Raspe
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen A
small old man with a big nose sits by the fireplace and talks about his incredible adventures, convincing listeners that these stories are the truth.
Being in winter in Russia, the baron fell asleep right in the open field, tying his horse to a small column. Waking up, M. saw that he was in the middle of the town, and the horse was tied to the cross on the bell tower – during the night the snow that completely brought the city melted, and the small column turned out to be a snow-covered top of the bell tower. Shooting the bridle in half, the baron lowered his horse. Traveling not on horseback, but in a sleigh, the Baron met a wolf. For fear, M. fell to the bottom of the sleigh and closed his eyes. The wolf jumped the passenger and gobbled up the back of the horse. Under the whip’s blows, the beast lunged forward, squeezed the front of the horse and harnessed into the harness. Within three hours, M. rolled into St. Petersburg on a sleigh, in which a ferocious wolf was harnessed.
Seeing on the pond near the house a flock of wild ducks, the baron rushed with a gun from the house. M. hit his head against the door – sparks fell from his eyes. Already aiming at the duck, the baron realized that he had not brought a flint with him, but this did not stop him: he set fire to the gunpowder with sparks from his own eye, striking him with his fist. He did not lose his head during another hunting,
And shot a pig, walking in the woods with his son, the baron shot a pig tail. The blind pig could not go further, having lost its guide (it was holding the tail of the cub, which led it along the paths); M. took hold of the tail and led the pig straight to his kitchen. Soon the wild boar went there too: after chasing after M., the boar was stuck with fangs in the tree; The baron only had to tie him up and take him home. Another time, M. loaded the gun with a cherry stone, not wanting to miss the handsome deer – true, the beast still ran away. A year later, our hunter met the same deer, between its horns there was a magnificent cherry tree. After killing a deer, M. received immediately and roast, and compote. When the wolf again attacked him, the baron thrust his fist deeper into the wolf’s mouth and turned the predator inside out. The wolf fell dead; from his fur turned out an excellent jacket.
A mad dog bitten the baron’s coat; she also furious and tore all the clothes in the closet. Only after the shot the fur coat let itself be tied up and hung in a separate closet.
Another strange beast caught while hunting with a dog: M. 3 days chasing a rabbit before he could shoot it. It turned out that the animal has 4 legs (4 on the abdomen and 4 on the back). After this chase, the dog died. Grieving, the baron ordered to sew a jacket from her skin. Update was not easy: she senses prey and pulls towards the wolf or the hare, which she wants to kill with shooting buttons.
Being in Lithuania, the baron curbed a mad horse. Wanting to show off before the ladies, M. flew into the dining room and neatly plaited it on the table, nothing to break it. For such grace, the baron received a horse as a present. Perhaps on this same horse the baron broke into the Turkish fortress, when the Turks were already closing the gate – and cut off the back half of the horse M. When the horse decided to drink water from the fountain, the liquid poured out of it. Having caught the back half in the meadow, the doctor sewed the two parts with laurel rods, from which the arbor soon grew. And to scout the number of Turkish guns, the baron jumped on the nucleus that had been launched into their camp. To his brave man returned to the oncoming nucleus. Having got with the horse into the swamp, M. risked drowning, but grabbed more firmly by the pigtail of his wig and pulled out both.
When the Baron was captured by the Turks, he was appointed a bee-shepherd. While beating the bee from 2 bears, M. hurled a silver hatchet into the robbers – yes so much that he threw him to the moon. On the long stem of a Turkish pea, which was degenerated right there, the shepherd climbed onto the Moon and found his weapon on a pile of rotten straw. The sun dried the peas, so we had to go back down the rope, woven from rotten straw, periodically cutting it and tying it to its own end. But for 3-4 miles to the Earth the rope broke off and M. fell, breaking through a large hole, from which he got out on the steps dug by his nails. And the bears got what they deserved: the baron caught a club-footed man with a honey-coated shaft, into which he had hammered a nail behind a teddy bear. Sultan laughed until I fell over this idea.
Departing from captivity home, M. on a narrow path could not miss the meeting crew. I had to take the carriage on my shoulders, and the horses – under my armpits, and in two rounds to transfer my belongings through another crew. The baron’s driver diligently blew into the horn, but could not blow out a single sound. In the hotel, the horn melted and thawed sounds poured from it.
When the baron sailed off the coast of India, a hurricane tore up several thousand trees on the island and carried them to the clouds. When the storm was over, the trees fell into their seats and took root – all but one, which collected cucumbers (the only food of the natives), two peasants. Thick peasants tipped the tree and it fell on the king, crushing it. Residents of the island were terribly happy and offered the crown to M., but he refused, because he did not like cucumbers. After the storm, the ship arrived in Ceylon. During the hunt with the Governor’s son, the traveler got lost and came upon a huge lion. The Baron rushed to run, but the crocodile was already crept up behind him. M. fell to the ground; The lion jumped on him and landed directly in the mouth of the crocodile. The hunter cut off the head of the lion and so deeply pounded it into the mouth of the crocodile that he choked. The son of the governor could only congratulate his friend on the victory.
Then M. went to America. On the way the ship came across an underwater rock. From a powerful blow one of the sailors flew into the sea, but grabbed the beetle’s beak and so stayed on the water until salvation, and the baron’s head fell into his stomach (within a few months he took it from there by his hair). The rock turned out to be a whale, which woke up and in a fit of rage all day dragged the ship for anchoring the sea. On the way back, the crew found the corpse of a giant fish and cut off its head. In the hole of a rotten tooth, the sailors found their anchor along with the chain. Suddenly water poured into the hole, but M. shut the hole with his own boot and saved everyone from death.
Floating in the Mediterranean Sea off the coast of Italy, the baron was swallowed by the fish – or rather, he himself shrank into a ball and rushed straight into the open mouth, so as not to be torn. From his stamping and fuss, the fish screamed and stuck its muzzle out of the water. The sailors killed her with a harpoon and cut it with an ax, releasing the captive, who greeted them with a kind bow.
The ship also sailed to Turkey. Sultan invited M. to dinner and entrusted business in Egypt. On the way there, M. met a small speedboat with kettlebells on his feet, a man with a sensitive ear, a well-aimed hunter, a strong man and a hero, with air from the nostril of a spinning blade of a mill. These guys the baron took in his servants. A week later the baron returned to Turkey. During dinner, the sultan specially took out a bottle of good wine from a secret locker specially for an expensive guest, but M. stated that the Chinese bogdyhan had better wine. To this the sultan replied that if, as proof, the baron does not deliver a bottle of this wine by 4 o’clock in the afternoon, the braggart will be chopped off. In reward, however, M. demanded as much gold as at a time one person could carry away. With the help of new servants, the Baron obtained wine, and the strongman took out all the Sultan’s gold. On all sails M. hurried to go to sea.
The entire Sultan’s navy flew in pursuit. The servant with powerful nostrils sent the fleet back to the harbor, and drove his ship to Italy itself. M. healed a rich man, but a quiet life was not for him. The Baron rushed to the war of the English with the Spaniards, and even made his way to the besieged English fortress of Gibraltar. On the advice of M. the British sent the muzzle of his cannon exactly in the direction of the barrel of the Spanish gun, as a result of which the nuclei collided and both flew to the Spaniards, and the Spanish core broke through the roof of one shack and got stuck in the throat of the old woman. Her husband brought her a sniff of tobacco, she sneezed and the core flew out. In gratitude for practical advice, the general wanted to produce M. in the colonels, but he refused. Dressed as a Spanish priest, the baron sneaked into the enemy camp and threw cannons from the shore, burning wooden vehicles.
Settling in London, M. once fell asleep in the mouth of an old cannon, where he hid from the heat. But the gunman shot in honor of the victory over the Spaniards, and the baron hit his head in a haystack. 3 months he stuck out of the haystack, unconscious. In the autumn, when the workers tossed a stack of pitchfork, M. woke up, fell on the head of the owner and broke his neck, which was all very happy.
The famous traveler Finne invited the Baron to an expedition to the North Pole, where M. was attacked by a polar bear. The Baron turned and cut off the three fingers on the back leg of the beast, who released it and was shot. Several thousand bears surrounded the traveler, but he pulled on the skin of a dead bear and killed all the bears with a knife blow to the back of the head. Skins were torn from the killed animals, and the carcasses were cut into hams.
In England, M. had already refused to travel, but his rich relative wanted to see the giants. In search of the giants, the expedition sailed across the Southern Ocean, but the storm lifted the ship over the clouds, where after a long “swim” the ship moored to the Moon. The travelers were surrounded by huge monsters on three-headed eagles (radish instead of weapons, shields-fly agarics, belly as a suitcase, only one finger on the hand, the head can be removed, and the eyes – removed and replaced, the new inhabitants grow on trees like nuts, and grow old, air).
And this swimming was not the last. On a half-ruined Dutch ship, M. sailed across the sea, which suddenly became white – it was milk. The ship landed on the island of excellent Dutch cheese, on which even the grape juice was milk, and the rivers – not only dairy, but also beer. The locals were three-legged, and the birds wove huge nests. For the lies of the travelers here they severely punished, with which M. could not disagree, for he does not tolerate lies. When his ship sailed, the trees bowed after him twice. Wandering without a compass on the seas, the sailors met various sea monsters. One fish, quenching thirst, swallowed the ship. Her stomach was literally stuffed with ships; when the water subsided, M. together with the captain went for a walk and met many sailors from all over the world. At the suggestion of the baron, the two tallest masts were put upright in the mouth of the fish, Thus the ships were able to swim out – and found themselves in the Caspian Sea. M. hurried ashore, saying that he was quite adventurous.
But as soon as M. got out of the boat, he was attacked by a bear. The Baron squeezed his front paws so hard that he bellowed in pain. M. kept clumsy for 3 days and 3 nights, until he died of hunger, because he could not suck his paw. Since then, no bear has dared to attack the resourceful baron.